Tongue and Speak

What comes out of my mouth freaks me out. A lot.

I feel like, many times, swords are shooting out rapid fire from this stupidly selfish, critical piece of flab that is my most deadly weapon. I can testify how my tongue has ruined someone, slashing them to pieces, and has crushed the spirits of those around me. When I'm angry, words I wish I could undo fly out like arrows haphazardly seeking the nearest target. Where on earth does this poisonous vitriol flow from? Why am I even saying all this? How come I didn't think before I spoke?

Spirit, why didn't you guard my mouth?

Answer: self-discipline. The Spirit is totally there--it's whether or not we actually want to cooperate. Our flesh is boiling with rageful words, and for quick thinkers like me, my spiteful sarcasm melts through smiles like hydrochloric acid. Not something to be proud of or to brag about. 

And yet I do! I pride myself on my witty tongue and cleverness, but it hurts people! I don't even consider the damage I'm doing until it's too late.

Lord, help us all. We all need to be watchful over our flesh and pray for discipline, diligence, love, and kindness, by his grace. I wish I could do it in my own. But I can't....my tongue is too sharp and my sin is too raw. Lord, help me. Spirit, fill me. Forgive me for the damage I have done and guide me into wisdom that is slow to speak. Ephesians 4:29. 

Jesus, lift my eyes to see your example. My own sin makes it so hard to see, let alone speak, words of life and love.

Peace and Perseverance

"When Peace like a river attendeth my way..."

Most of us are familiar with this line from the famous hymn "It is Well with My Soul." We say, smiling, without thinking, that Jesus is good and we are thankful for his precious peace, and that we will always praise him and glorify his name.

But what about the next line, "When sorrows like sea billows roll"? 

Well, sometimes stuff happens. And the last thing we want to do is praise Jesus. Sometimes people get sick, or people die, or people ignore us, or people say hurtful things. Sometimes things break, or things fall apart, or things crumble, or things don't come through for us. 

Sometimes there is no backup plan, or it's all our fault, or we did something really, really stupid. We wonder about the purpose in it all and where God went for his lunch break. 

Sometimes, though, when we feel like hope is lost, a tiny voice in our hearts reminds us that this is only temporary, and we are filled with peace, because we are suddenly aware that God has prepared us for this moment. We remember that he is real despite everything, and that there is a reason to persevere in all the chaos.

When my laptop case broke last night and my computer ka-thunked onto the floor, I was surprised at the sudden peace and calmness that washed over me. When I was discouraged after the phone call that my grandpa has a kidney growth, I was surprised at how good it felt to pray and be encouraged by others. And then, prophetically, I had just purchased a pint of ice cream an hour before. God knew exactly what I needed. He blessed me with these things, and I am surprised at how much peace I have today in my heart.

We don't ever have to worry that we won't find peace. For we already know the true Peace, and he has given us a reason to keep going: he is here, he cares for us, and there is a plan ending in glory. 

Even when stuff happens and we are distracted by our situations, God promises he is with us. This is the glorious strength that keeps our eyes zeroed in on the finish line and fuels us with perseverance to keep going, no matter what tries to derail us. As Peter encouraged us, let us cast our cares upon him, because he cares for us (1 Peter 5:7). He sees us in our difficulties, and we can look to him. 

Faces and Fakers

Everyone has a mask. You know what I'm talking about.

The plastered smile we stick on when we've having the worst day but we don't want to say anything. The bright face we glue on haphazardly when we're deeply struggling with sin and worry and fear, but we want to remain "good Christians" in the eyes of our peers. The persona we slip into subconsciously in order to avoid dealing with our pain, shame, and problems.

When we want to be someone else. When we manufacture someone else and zip ourselves into them. When we cycle through endless "someone elses" because we are avoiding our deepest regrets and desires. 

Masks. 

This is an issue that is a constant battle for me. Before knowing Christ, I struggled immensely with seeking acceptance and attempting to please everybody. I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted attention and a good reputation.

I was looking for identity by throwing myself into everyone else's context instead of looking inwardly at the root of my problems. 

Even after Christ, this is an intense war that demands my focus on the promises of God. If I, even without thinking about it, slide back into old habits of creating personas and acting not myself, I cause a lot of damage. Being yourself is a lot harder than we are led to believe. I have to check my motives every day. Am I wearing lipstick today to stand out and capture someone's attention? Is this remark just to look clever? Does my schedule reflect a heart that's genuinely interested in others, or is it all about cramming it full simply to impress others with how much I can handle? Galatians 1:10, anyone? Whose servant am I?

When we examine our hearts, we find them to be much more wicked than we originally thought. Sitting in on a Monsters in Literature class today positioned me for some excellent remarks by the professor, who aptly quipped, "Don't ever assume anything about anyone." We can never assume that we are above any kind of sin, and believing that everything is fine is called denial and pride.  We are not fine. We need God's help, especially when confronting ourselves.

We must weigh our actions carefully. We must cling to the Word of God, where we read about this mighty and perfect thing called grace, which stems from the love of our Father who has called us his children. The second I look to myself to try and garner favor is the moment I call God a liar for saying my salvation is by his grace. I DON'T HAVE TO TRY ANYMORE. IT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE, AND I'VE ALREADY BEEN ACCEPTED INTO THE GREATEST FAMILY THERE IS.  

Daily, I must yank my eager eyes away from the approving glances of man, and glue them to the only One whose love has already been given despite my failure. Let us fix our eyes upon Him as our masks are thrown away and our humble, true selves are exposed the way they were meant to be. 

Blinded and Restored

Uncomfortable. Nobody wants to feel that.

Today, Chicago was hot. Humid, blazing, gross. It rained for like two seconds, and then decided to go back to being a hot mess. Some of us fair-skinned people aren't fans. To add insult to injury, the air conditioning around here has been jacked up due to the weather.

Already, I can't WAIT for this fall. Sweater weather, scarves, and boots. Yeah. 

It's hard to be productive when you're uncomfortable. I couldn't remember most of what was on the docket for today. Our pains, frustrations, and discomfort can seem like the only thing on the windshield when in reality there is a long, exciting road packed with blessings and challenges awaiting us. Suffering blinds. It eats joy for breakfast and has the uncanny ability to magnify itself so much that it's the only thing visible and the only thing that matters. 

What do we do in times of blinding discomfort? Who do we turn to when the going gets so tough that we're lying in a bed of our own misery?

I attended an As Isaac concert tonight and was reminded amidst the stuffiness of the room that God is "living and active....Word of Life, taking off our blindness." THAT is whom we can look to. HE is whom we can trust to cleanse our eyes and remove the veil that simple annoyances and major trials slide over us. 

As Peter said in John 6:68, "Lord, to whom else could we go?" For only Jesus has the Words of Life; he is the only source of life there is! There is a balm in Gilead, a salve for the wounded soul. There is rest and peace and comfort and purpose.

Praise Him who has lifted us out of our misery and healed our sinful, selfish sight. We can see, for we are no longer blind and blinded

Renting and Resolving

Closure-less conflict is inevitable in this life. Sometimes, it seems like our only companion.

I went out with some friends tonight to get some air and walk the city. We took public transportation to the Lincoln Park area to wander and look in shops. It was good to be together for one last adventure before Easter weekend. We were cool, checking out the scene and acting ridiculous, when one of the guys suggested going into a boutique that was doing a liquidation sale. The atmosphere was hip, the clothing overpriced, and the random household goods were really unique. Essentially, your typical upscale Chicago shop, albeit with flip-flops from Morocco splattered in among table decor resembling fish. 

My friend was checking out an unorganized shelf of goodies and picked up a container labeled in French. I turned to examine an antique bicycle when I hear a noise and an, "Oh. My. Gosh."

The container of salve had shattered in his hands and a green , hot mess was all over the shelf and the floor. Eucalyptus scent floated through the air as I stood frozen. Needless to say, the shopkeeper was furious and cursed rudely to my friend as he attempted to help clean up and apologized several times. He was frustrated at her rudeness, we were all uncomfortably standing there, and we eventually just got out in an awkward state of silence. He was mad at himself, wouldn't really talk about it, and the rest of the evening was a failed attempt to get back to the original state of adventure. We even parted ways early to head back home. 

My Spanish friend pointed out wisely, "It was awkward because there was no resolution."

How often in our lives do we long for closure? If you're like me, all the time. I want things to be wrapped up and finished and made right again. I want there to be forgiveness and healing. Yet, because of this fallen world and our own flesh, sometimes the conflicts never get resolved and we're left feeling frustrated, angry, and embarrassed about everything.

Tonight marks the night when Jesus and his disciples shared a final meal together before his death. It must have been a blow to them: the sudden arrest after all that fellowship, the empty, restless feelings of unfinished work, the hole in their hearts from the shame of deserting him. There was no resolution, and they were dying in disbelief that it was over.

Praise be to God that it wasn't over; that Sunday is the ultimate closure for our seemingly-endless Fridays, and the pain we suffer from our sinful selves can be made whole again in the saving blood that washes it all clean.

As I reflect on the events of this Easter, I am reminded of the One who made himself blind so I could see. The conflict CAN be resolved, and it has been by the greatest Mediator in the world. Our eyes can confidently look to him. 

Arrogance and Insides

My logic won out today or maybe it was the Spirit working in me. God gets the credit in my life.

I realized today that the guy I have a terrible crush on isn't as great as I thought he was. I realized how UNattractive spiritual pride was. Arrogance is ugly; from afar, though, it can look like wisdom and confidence. 

The biggest factor in all this lies with the witness of my closest friends. I admire them for being hesitant, for they care about their words and gossip is something they wish to avoid at all costs. They shared with me their personal thoughts on this guy and how they aren't fans. He treats relationships pretty casually and doesn't mind challenging professors in a negative way. 

Our actions matter. We can have the best intentions and feelings, and yet others can perceive us as careless, cold, and lacking love. Unless we live out what we study and say, we are nothing and it means nothing. 

Physically, someone can be the most handsome guy in the room or the prettiest girl in class. Spiritually, however, a cold layer of smugness can be residing there on top of the hardest of hearts. It's hard to accept that the inside may just not match the outside. It's hard to make feelings change, even with the strongest of logic. However, I have been in prayer and focusing evermore on my Savior: my Blessed Assurance, Hope, Truth, Father, and Savior who is always who he says he is. I know this will take time....these types of things always do.

I will not prevent this from hindering my quest in seeking to know Jesus more by studying theology, for if anything, I will take a nod from this guy's example and fight against the puffing up of knowledge by using it to help and equip others, always. If it doesn't help me in the spread of the Gospel and the edification of others, I don't want it. If learning won't help me love my Lord more, I won't pursue it. For knowledge puffs up, but love edifies. And the greatest of these is love.

In the meantime, I will pray for this brother to be humbled before our Lord and be reminded of his first love, the reason his blog from freshman year was started in the first place.

We must close our eyes of lustful flesh and look instead with the eyes of Christ, chasing after his perfect promises and not the empty books of man. 

Sickness and Satiation

16 of my friends had the stomach flu last weekend. Yikes. Needless to say, it was a solo weekend staying away from humanity and working like a dog on homework.

Sickness is scary. It takes up residence in you and affects your responses. Before you know it, you could be infected.When something has invaded your body and it feels like you're your own worst enemy, that can be a terrifying experience. When you forget what "healthy" feels like, that's when you know something's wrong.

Sin is like that. It resides deep within us. We can forget it's there, until it strikes and lashes out and we realize it's too late. We need medicine, a way to be saved from the spiritual sickness inside of us. Thankfully, there is a cure.

I attended a theology lecture tonight on Karl Barth that overwhelmed me and renewed my desire to grow in knowledge so that others can know Jesus. Looking at this controversial figure, what with his dialectical theology, interesting views on Scripture, and doubts of inerrancy, it is so easy to pick at him and dismiss his work and study as heresy. However.....there is no such thing as a perfect theologian. We are all afflicted by the disease of sin, and that will never change until we go to be with Christ in perfect heaven and rest. 

I have to admit, sitting two rows behind the guy I'm crazy about is the most ridiculous and hardest and testing-est thing to have to do. I feel like I will never be satisfied until he notices me or talks to me. I was crying out to the Lord, feeling so ashamed at my own sinful feelings that are so distracting me from other things, when I simply laid down on my bed and listened to Cody Davenport's "Set a Fire." Lord, I rest in you. I just said this over and over and over. 

It's hard to be human. It's hard to be staving off sinful lusts and temptations. It's hard to rectify our desires with the mind of Christ and ask the Lord to forgive us for our subconscious. It's so so hard to willfully turn away from distractions and pleasures and sins and face the Lord, all that he is. My own sin prevents me from being satisfied in him. I am so distracted by myself that I can't agree with the line, "There's no place I'd rather be/than here in your love." Trust me, in my sin, I KNOW there are a lot of "places" my flesh would rather be right now. And yet.....I must cling to the truth that lies deep, buried somewhere beneath the angst and the want and the dissatisfaction. I know I am no longer sick, but can be satisfied. However, I must seek the Lord and remind myself of these antidotes to the sinful lies I find myself trapped in believing. 

And we all must seek with our afflicted, sinful eyes the precious flow of blood  that is the ultimate Source of healing, cleansing, satisfaction.

Provision and Perspective

Do I already have everything I need?

I'm sitting outside with a dear friend of mine listening to what the Lord has been teaching her through His Word. She mentioned Psalm 73...a piercing one which wonders whom have we in heaven but the Lord and states that there is nothing on earth to desire save him. 

My prayer is for these words to become mine. If only I could speak them with truth; if only I really did desire nothing save my Savior. 

But he has already given me everything! I have nothing to fear. I have the same power inside of me that raised Christ from the dead! Christ crucified! Christ IN ME! Christ, the Living Water, IN MY SOUL!

....

Why is it so hard to focus on that? Why am I distracted by the things of this world so easily? Can my spirit obey Colossians 3:2 for eight seconds? Is it possible to even set my eyes on things above?

Maybe. But not by by own power.

You see, there is a way to fight the flesh. There is a light, a hope, something to rely on as I die to myself over and over and over and over again. The keys? Running every time back to Jesus. When I feel tempted, I cry out for the Lord. I force myself to walk away or bite my tongue after begging the Spirit to intervene. And he does.

Our Lord is more than jsut a crutch or a prayer. He is our Fortress, our ever-present help in times of trouble. Our portion. Trust. Tower. Security. Life. He is truly all we need, and I must pray with all sincerity that he overhauls my mind in order to believe these words of freedom.

God, cleanse my eyes from trusting in anything but you. For you are real, and you are all I need. No matter what.

Whole and Broken Wretches

It's easy to hate yourself.

I hate my flesh. I hate my sin and the ugliness that is constantly creeping up into my thoughts, playing out in my actions, and rearing its ugly head in my conversations. My own depravity is frightening. The lusts, the lies, the lukewarm apathy that seems to always show up the moment I recommit to Christ. 

Paul puts this into better language in chapter 7 of his letter to the Roman church: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." He uses the personal pronoun "I" THIRTY THREE TIMES in this passage. Thirty three. Paul, the "super-apostle," is so frustrated with his indwelling sin that he nails himself over and over. What are we to do? For I know I have the Holy Spirit, but the dirtiness of my inner self seems to be stronger and more prevalent, always in my life and trying to steer me off this dangerously narrow path.

This is the paradox of being a child of God. We are still wretches, but we have been redeemed? We are saved, but still suffer with ourselves? We are filthy, but cleansed and purified by the blood? Yes. We are. For we have been made positionally righteous in Christ--justified from the penalty of sin, but not yet delivered from the presence of it. A professor of mine puts it in this way:

Imagine two fields with a wall in between them. Satan stands in one and Christ is standing in the other one. When we are born, we are all sitting in Satan's field. We do what he wants and what he tells us, listening only to his voice. However, when Jesus calls us (and only he can) into his field, we now belong in his field. Yet, we can still hear Satan's voice calling to us from over the wall. And sometimes we still listen to him, even though we don't have to.

I was blatantly confronted with my own sinfulness tonight at a worship event. I told God I was sick of this and was such a wreck; I'm tired of comparing myself to others and having zero confidence in who he has made me to be. Pride is the driver. Thankfully, there is freedom and strength in Christ to combat lies that I'm not good enough. I am a recovering attention-seeker who is a daughter of God. I don't have to try to seek acceptance, for I have already been accepted into the greatest family there is. All to Him. He is the only Redeemer and Father who will ever love me perfectly and call me his child unconditionally. John 1:12. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. This is the One we must fix our sights on, throwing off the snivelings of the flesh and the straying of our eyes.

Neglecting to Love

I'm really grateful my fish aren't dead.

Let me explain......my roommate and I keep two goldfish, Dwight and Lyman, that we've had since September. It's been fun having fish, and we feed them consistently. However, I lapsed. For over a month, I just "couldn't find the time" to change their water. Day after day, I watched them drift towards the surface, searching for oxygen and becoming more and more listless. They needed my attention and care; I was in charge of maintaining their lives, and I was failing. 

In a similar fashion, we as Christians have been given much to steward and take care of: our time, our finances, our relationships. When we neglect these things or use them for our own purposes, we are not obeying Jesus's instructions to be good and faithful servants. When we don't love, when we blow somebody off for selfish reasons, and when we simply fill our time with things that aren't important, we cease to bear fruit, for we are not connected to the Vine when we don't obey Him. 

We must abide in Christ. We must be good stewards. We must "find the time" to read the Word, pray, be still, and meditate on the promises of our Savior. Otherwise, our lives will shrivel into dead, vain, conceited affairs with nothing to show when the Master returns. Jesus died for more than that. And so, I am spurred to love, serving and kindly being patient even when things are ridiculously hard. John 15:12 puts it into proper perspective--we love until the end of the line. 

May our eyes be fixed upon our returning Savior, the One who calls us out of selfishly neglectful lives to obey and love.

--Kaitlyn

Up, Down, and Sideways

"Kaitlyn....can I get your perspective on something?"

So began a long and exciting conversation with a dear friend tonight. She is thinking about changing her career path to a ministry-related focus and believes the Lord is leading her towards in this direction. It was a blessing to be able to share with her my own journey of doubt, restlessness, and prayer from last semester when I was led to pursue ministry to women instead of journalism. It's funny how God uses the circumstances, choices, and situations in our own lives to help encourage and teach others. What a blessing to be able to look back and see exactly why God had something happen.

Life seems to come at us from all directions--up, down, and sideways. It's absolutely crazy, and we don't know what to do unless we have an anchor of hope that won't come undone. When I am lost and confused, I find that praying to my Savior and seeking him in the Bible FIRST are the best solutions, not venting to my friends or ignoring the issue. Jesus is the answer, the way, the truth, the life (John 14:6). I spoke with a hurt and skeptical man in the subway tonight about such things, and his perspective of God was so messed up because of things that had happened in his life. I was able to, by the grace of our Lord, show him love and listen to his raging thoughts. He begrudgingly said that he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight because of our conversation. Awesome.

As Spotify decides to play a dumb commercial yet again and I stay up way too late getting my thoughts out, I am reminded of the beauty in the mundane. Life is not always nuts--sometimes we forget to be grateful that we had a simple, easy day. We are called to thank God no matter what, whether that means good days, bad days, or lame days when nothing exciting seemed to happen. Don't worry, for he is at work. Remember, King David had a pretty boring life until Samuel the priest showed up and anointed him the next leader of Israel. When my crush-from-afar walks past me without saying a word, when I still haven't gotten a grade back on that paper, and when classes are ho-hum, I can trust that the Lord is moving and teaching me something. For everything has a purpose--and that's a promise (Romans 8:28). 

My eyes may not understand the value of this day, but I know there's a plan and eternity is not far away.

--Kaitlyn

Following and Failing

Warning: I know nothing about blogging. This started mostly because I need a place and space to get my thoughts down. Give me grace as I figure this out....please......

I must declare: first and foremost, I am a follower of Jesus Christ. He is my Savior. Everything I post is for his glory. He is the only source of truth and hope for me, and the only person who makes sense in this ridiculous failing world of ours. 

I am living and walking by the Holy Spirit. In my humanness, I struggle mightily against the constant battle with my selfish desires. I realized yesterday even my attraction to a certain guy right now is rooted in my selfish ambition: to have status, to make others jealous, and to have the smugness to be able to boast that I'm dating an older guy whom many look up to. I'm sorry, but that's not what Jesus came to promote; that's what he came to redeem and save me from. And I can't let my flesh win. By the grace of God, I don't have to. I take joy in knowing the depth of his love for me: that he died, and conquered death, and rose again. Romans 5:8...God loves me, even though I am nowhere near deserving. Praise Him forever, Amen.

How much of our lives are wasted? How much do we spend going through routines and accomplishing NOTHING of eternal value? That's how I have been challenged lately. The burden for those with no hope and the burden of understanding the limits on my own time.

Despite my own failures and fallings, may my eyes continue to be fixed upon the only Light that's real and the only Path that leads to eternal life. 

--Kaitlyn